101 (99) Longing for Return

"Little sister, do not panic when you hear the news of my car being bombed; it was merely a ruse to deal with the Japanese. I am safe and sound at this moment, so please do not worry."

"In the first half of my life, I committed far too many unconscionable acts, so many that I can no longer recall most of them. Yet, there is one incident, so strange and peculiar, that I still dream of it to this day. More than a decade ago, I wanted to forcibly seize an old house near the docks to build a warehouse. I drove that family to a dead end, and the ninety-year-old grandmother pointed at my nose, cursing with great vigor, 'Do not be arrogant; the day of your reckoning will come!' I retorted that the King of Hell would take me long after he had taken her. The grandmother was not angry; she spoke in an eerie, prophetic tone, 'It will be within a year or so; there is no need to rush.' Not long after she said this, she actually died! Less than half a year later, in the spring of the following year, I went to Tongli and met you."

"I believe our meeting and our marriage were destined by fate, a game of chess set out by Heaven long ago. It is like when I was a child and Uncle Tan would play with me, sometimes teasing me to call him 'Father'; when no one was around, I truly did. Little did I know then that one day he would become my father-in-law and I would marry his daughter. I only knew that he truly cherished me, which is why I called him that. Most of the warmth and affection I received in my childhood came from Uncle Tan, and yet, this only serves to show what a wicked, unforgivable wretch I truly am."

"After leaving Shandong, years of fighting and wandering left my eyes blind to kindness and sincerity. I craved power and money; if anyone stood in my path—be it the old, the weak, women, or children—I could strike them down. Even old friends and acquaintances were not spared. But after I obtained that file on Feng Kang, Uncle Chen told me that Uncle Tan was in Tongli, not far away, and that we should find a way. Years later, whenever Uncle Tan was mentioned, I could still feel the sensation of being carried on his shoulders, so I told Uncle Chen, 'No rush, find Xu Feihu first.' Finding Xu Feihu did not go smoothly, and later, Uncle Chen mentioned Uncle Tan several more times, but I remained silent. The last time, Uncle Chen asked me, 'Are you unable to bring yourself to do it?' I nodded in admission. Uncle Chen simply said, 'Then leave it to me.'"

"I knew Uncle Chen would likely act in my stead. I should have stopped him, but I said nothing. I feigned ignorance and tacitly allowed the whole thing to happen. After we were together, I lied to myself countless times, saying, 'I am not the one who killed your father.' In truth, I never wanted Uncle Tan to die. But I was so afraid. Before we married and after Nannan was born, I went to Tongli twice alone. I paid off the shopkeeper of the pharmacy and even contemplated murder; though I didn't go through with it, I caught his son and scared him. That is why the young shopkeeper was so terrified when he saw me."

"Little sister, this is the truth. I did not kill your father with my own hands, but I cannot escape my culpability. I know that over the years, I have killed one old friend after another and spun one monstrous lie after another; it is hard for you to believe anything I say anymore. But please, believe me this once, because I have truly repented, and because I do not know when I will return from this departure."

"I have decided to donate all the money obtained in Shandong, along with the profits from the businesses run with that money over the last decade, to Old Zhou and his comrades for the resistance against Japan. I will also follow Old Zhou to the front lines, pick up a gun, and kill those Japanese devils! I do this not only because the Japanese have left me with no way out in Shanghai—killing Sister Fang Ya, Uncle Chen, and Elder Zou, and then expecting me to be their lackey—but even more so because they hurt my wife, caused the death of my child, and shattered the last bit of hope I had. I cannot swallow this humiliation! If I cannot kill a hundred or so Japanese soldiers, I will be suffocated to death in the second half of my life!"

"There is one more reason for this decision, the most important one, which I have only just realized. You once said that the people I killed were human lives, that they cannot return, and that you would never forgive me. But a few days ago, Old Zhou said that in the fires of war, one can find a new life. Ten years of loving and staying together—the intensity and joy I felt when I loved you is matched by the pain and torment you left behind when you departed. In this pain, I have gradually reflected and grown regretful. I constantly fantasize that those things never happened, and I lie awake all night in remorse, yet I am more pained by the fact that there is no way to make amends, no turning back!"

"But now, I have suddenly realized that what I need is not to change the past, but a new beginning. What you truly want, little sister, is a new me—an older brother who loves you and is worthy of your love. In the war, I will use my life to defend our home and you, hoping to redeem my sins and gain a rebirth of the soul. A person stained with such filth is unworthy of any beautiful affection, which dictates that though you gave me such pure and deep love, I was destined to lose it. If I do not change, I will never earn your forgiveness! I want to become a new self in the flames of war, and I hope that when I return, you will love me again, just as you did when we first met."

At the end of the letter, Bi Qingtang wrote in large characters, "Little sister, if I can return, you must forgive me! If you can forgive me, I will surely return!"

At the very end, he instructed Tan Yang to stay in the concessions with their daughter and not to go out casually. If the situation changed and the concessions were no longer safe, she should seek out a secretary surnamed Lu at the American Consulate; he would arrange for Tan Yang and their daughter to take refuge in the United States.

By the time Tan Yang finished the letter, Bi Qingtang had already left Shanghai safely with Old Zhou and was sitting on a boat. Watching the Shanghai Bund disappear from view, Old Zhou frowned and asked, "Are you sure about this? Coming with me to kill Japanese devils?" Bi Qingtang replied with firm resolve, "Yes. The more Japanese soldiers I kill, the sooner we can drive them out of China. If everyone stands by and reaps the benefits, how could there ever be a day of victory?" Old Zhou remarked with emotion, "Zhao Ling always said your nature wasn't bad, just that your awareness was low. I think she still underestimated you." Bi Qingtang smiled, "People change; times change."

As they spoke, Bi Qingtang took an envelope from his breast pocket and handed it to Old Zhou. After checking the contents, Old Zhou gasped, his expression turning solemn. "What is this? What are you doing?" "A small contribution to the resistance." "This is a 'small' contribution? You've gambled everything, haven't you? You're bankrupting yourself!" Bi Qingtang glared at Old Zhou, looking annoyed. "You really underestimate me! My net worth is more than this. I’ve left a large dowry for Nannan." His expression softened, and he added in a low voice, "And I’ve set aside money for Little sister's retirement." Old Zhou sighed slightly and tucked the envelope into his pocket. "I think I know the origin of this money. You have truly put your heart into this; I believe Little sister will understand."

Bi Qingtang nodded and gave a generous smile, feeling a sense of relief. Just then, Old Zhou pulled out some coarse tobacco from his pocket and rolled it in a piece of white paper, only for Bi Qingtang to snatch it away.

"Don't take it, you're not used to smoking this!"

"Who says I'm not? The hardships I've endured in my early years are no less than yours."

Old Zhou watched the cigarette in Bi Qingtang's hand, reluctant but silent. Seeing this, Bi Qingtang pressed on, "While I'm with you people for this period, you can cover my smoking. I've donated so much 'party dues,' you wouldn't be that stingy, would you?"

Old Zhou said, half-laughing, half-crying, "That’s not called party dues! You’re not even a party member!"

"So much cold, hard cash—if you can buy a Nationalist provincial governor, can't you buy a party membership from you?"

"No, you can't!" Old Zhou answered decisively.

Bi Qingtang pondered for a long time before saying, "If you can still be like this after you take the world, that would be true talent. I fear it is difficult. It is easy to go from poor to rich and let a hundred evils sprout; it is hard to go from rich to poor and keep one goodness of heart."

The day after Bi Qingtang left, Tan Yang went to the Bi mansion to retrieve their wedding ring, placing it firmly back on her finger. From that day on, she and her daughter lived in the Shanghai concessions, waiting day after day, steadfast and full of hope for his return.

More than two months later, she received a letter from Bi Qingtang through various channels. He said he had reached the Southwest region, where he followed Old Zhou's troops... fighting the Japanese. Because his marksmanship was excellent, although he went to the front lines, he spent most of his time in the camp training recruits. Those young men called him "Instructor Bi." He never imagined that in this life, he would have the chance to be a teacher. At the same time, he hoped Tan Yang would not worry too much about his safety.

Just as even someone like Bi Qingtang had thrown himself into the war against the invaders, after a long stalemate, the Japanese finally began to show signs of defeat. On the battlefield, the Chinese army began to seize the initiative.

Bi Qingtang kept writing home. Due to the turbulent situation, he would sometimes go three to five months without a letter, while at other times she would receive five or six at once; occasionally, letters were lost. His letters grew longer, each word filled with sincerity—a longing for home and a yearning for a future reunion. He told Tan Yang about what he saw and heard, pouring out his thoughts and views, something that had been rare in the past.

Because the places where he fought were always changing, Tan Yang had no address and no way to reply. Five years ago, she wrote to him from Germany, and he only read without replying; five years later, he wrote to her from the front, and she also only read without replying. Tan Yang bought a large photo album. On the black pages, she neatly pasted the letters she had written in Heidelberg on one side, and on the other, she carefully affixed the letters he had written from the front. Separated by vast distances and the passing of seasons, they poured out their hearts in their letters, exhausting all the sincerity and deep love in the world.

On August 15, 1945, the Japanese Emperor issued the "Rescript on the Termination of the War," announcing unconditional surrender. The War of Resistance had been won. The war lasted eight years; more than 300,000 Japanese soldiers were killed, nearly four million Chinese soldiers died, and nearly ten million civilians perished in the flames of war. China had achieved final victory, but at a tremendous cost.

In the six months before the war ended, Tan Yang had stopped receiving letters from Bi Qingtang. After the victory, Tan Yang made many inquiries but received no news. When winter arrived, she received a reply from Old Zhou. In the letter, Old Zhou said that in the spring, Bi Qingtang was on a mission with a small squad when they encountered a Japanese bombing raid, and the entire unit was wiped out. However, when he went to the site later, he did not find Bi Qingtang's body, so he always felt that Bi Qingtang must still be alive. A man like him, he thought, would not lose his life so easily.

But she never waited for him.

In the midsummer of 1946, on the campus of Jingye Middle School, amidst the shade of green trees and red flowers, a young girl in a saffron-yellow Western-style gauze dress sat on a makeshift stage, holding a small ruan. She played a light, melodic tune with a sweet smile. The music was lively and resonant, a rare, refreshing breeze in the humid heat. The girl was naturally beautiful, bright, and cheerful, possessing an inherent air of delicate nobility that made everyone who saw her feel endless joy and affection.

Tan Yang listened intently to her daughter's playing. Xu Zhizhong, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with her, whispered in her ear, "She plays very well, doesn't she? Hasn't she only been learning for half a year?" Tan Yang smiled with a hint of helplessness. "It's fine if others can't tell the nuance, but you say that too. A child who eats Western food, watches American movies, and refuses to even wear a cheongsam—learning the ruan is just for show." At this, Tan Yang smiled with gratification. "She only insisted on learning it to please me, to try and find me some business to occupy my time. This child." Xu Zhizhong sighed with emotion, "She is truly sensible. I will give this ruan to Nannan. I don't have a daughter, it would be a shame for such a good instrument to go to waste."

The girl finished her piece, and after a moment of silence in the audience, a long, continuous round of applause erupted. Yan Tan bowed and stepped off the stage. Zhang Xiangning, sitting behind Tan Yang, leaned on her shoulder and asked with a smile, "How do you feel listening to Nannan play the ruan?" Tan Yang thought for a moment and replied seriously, "It's passable." Zhang Xiangning scoffed and complained to Liu Fazu beside her, "She raised a daughter to be like this, and she still calls it 'passable'?" Liu Fazu pondered for a moment and asked in return, "Then, after being Mrs. Liu for so many years, what do you think of me as a husband?" Zhang Xiangning raised an eyebrow, "Passable." Liu Fazu held her hand, laughing helplessly, "It's all the same principle!"

Then, Liu Fazu stood up and said to Tan Yang with a slight apology, "Yangyang, we are heading back. The second child is too young, and it's not safe to be away for too long. We will see you off tomorrow morning." Hearing this, Zhang Xiangning sighed heavily and asked Tan Yang with reluctance, "Must you go to America? It's so far!" Tan Yang nodded, "Nannan wants to attend university there, and I personally feel that a change of environment is for the best." Zhang Xiangning exclaimed in surprise, "Are American universities really that good?" Tan Yang smiled, looking down, "Her boyfriend is in America." "How old is Nannan? She already has a boyfriend?"

Tan Yang looked up at Yan Tan walking toward them; the girl was tall and graceful, half a head taller than her. After a long pause, she said with emotion, "I remember when I was her age, I was already with her father. People don't wait to grow up to love; they only grow up because they love."

When they left the school, Yan Tan was arm-in-arm with her mother, while Xu Zhizhong followed behind with the ruan case. The three of them walked together, laughing and talking like a family.

Before getting into the car, Xu Zhizhong frowned and said to Tan Yang, "I can't see you off tomorrow morning; there is a very important meeting." He paused, then added helplessly, "There is going to be another war." Tan Yang repeated mechanically, "Another war." Then she looked straight into Xu Zhizhong's eyes. "Didn't you say that after defeating the Japanese, you wouldn't be a soldier anymore, that you wouldn't wear this uniform?" Xu Zhizhong shook his head with a pained expression. "Easier said than done, isn't it? Serving the country, serving the party, serving the party-state—this is likely my life." Tan Yang urged him with great reluctance, "Then you must be careful and take care of yourself."

Before Tan Yang drove off, Xu Zhizhong placed the ruan case under Yan Tan's seat. "Uncle Xu, this is your ruan." Xu Zhizhong looked at Yan Tan with a fatherly, loving smile. "Nannan, Uncle is giving it to you. You are a big girl now; when you get to America, you must take good care of your mother."

After the car drove away, Xu Zhizhong remained standing there, watching. Adjutant Lin stepped forward and said, "Commander, let's head back." Xu Zhizhong muttered to himself, "Ah, just like that, they are gone." No sooner had he finished speaking than the car, which had driven over a hundred meters away, suddenly stopped.

Yan Tan opened the car door, trotted back to Xu Zhizhong, and said with a smile, "Uncle Xu, when you have time, can you come to America to see us? I think I will surely miss you, and so will Mother." Xu Zhizhong smiled from the heart and answered decisively, "Good! Next spring, I will go!"